Probably a week ago I started reading Thomas Merton’s diary, or a selection of his best entries called “The Intimate Merton” (thanks to my finish friend Laura). I must say that he inspires me. He says some things about writing and journaling, which really helped me.
I’m 32 and I want to write. I want to write but I’m fighting a feeling, or a thought, that there is no point in that. In our time, in these years filled with so many voices and thoughts, expressed in all kinds of mediums, who cares about what I have to say. There are smarter people than me in any area of interest. And it's not only that but many times I wonder if it's smarter to remain quiet and just say few but chosen words.
If I try to search myself and find out the real reason why I want to write, it’s not hard to find that I want to write for people to read what I write. Do I want to write so I can get some self-validation from the opinions of others? Sure. I have no false humility about that. But the motives are definitely mixed and can’t be discerned so easily like black and white. Of course there is also a desire to inspire someone, to encourage or challenge someone, to change something with the writing, so not all is egotistic.
There is something else. I feel like I’m good in different things but I’m not a specialist in one. That is a frustrating place to be cause you don’t feel competent in one specific area and that affects your picture about yourself. Even in theology, an area that I love and I’m familiar with, I don’t have a degree or any paper that says I’m a specialist in that. But on second thought I’m not sure if I dislike that position. Maybe if I’m a specialist in only one area that would make life little bit more boring, who knows?
But I’m in my thirties, the melting pot of desires, visions, ideas, motivations, and hopefully the refinement of all those things is successful and I enjoy life in fullness. Not that I’m not enjoying my life now, but I expect a lot of the present frustration to leave as things and motives are refined.
This makes me think of the present moment and living life in the “now” which is another subject and I will write about that in another post.